Showing posts from 2011

How the Years Go By

Happy first birthday to my beautiful, amazing niece, Zoey. I love you so much, baby girl and there is NOTHING I won't do for you...That being said, totally smashing cake in your face later..because I love you ♥

Strange to think my little niece is 1 already. Seems like just yesterday I was holding her in the hospital, trying not to cry because of just how beautiful she was and still is. This last year, through everything good and bad, she has been a constant. A reason to smile, a reason to live for. She saved my life when I hit the bottom of my emotions. I love that little girl more than anything in this world. So, again, happy birthday Baby Girl. Your Auntie Sie Sie loves you so much <3

I'm not okay

I keep looking at the day and just...falling apart. 5 days from now, the one man I truly loved was supposed to ask me to marry him. At least, that's what he told my mother in September. 8 days from now, I was supposed to be moving. I was supposed to be moving to Texas to live with him. I was supposed to be happy.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the constant pain. I just want to let go, move on completely and never look back.

Fuck. Everything.

Starry Nights

Hello guys, I know it's been a bit of time since I gave a real update on here. Things with Ryan are going well. Even though I'm a complete and total mess, he's super patient and understanding and sweet. But, with his work schedule, he hasn't been able to come down and see me yet. Which sucks, but I'm glad he has a job.
I just feel so lonely. I haven't been held or cuddled since August. I miss being wrapped up in someone's arms, feeling safe and warm and wanted. I miss the life I had. I miss him. Even though I'm with someone new, I still miss him. I probably always will. I gave him so much of myself and he broke me. Ryan wants to help me pick the pieces up and put everything back together.
Rachelle asked me Tuesday what I would do if Angel called and wanted me back. I told her, honestly, I don't know. I really don't.

But...I'm gonna go before I start sobbing.



Monday is going to rock. Alisa and I are gonna go and hang out with Tarrah. Ryan's going to try to get off of work and come see me and we're going to watch all 3 Lord of the Rings on extended edition with Alisa and Cory. It's going to be a great, amazing day and I am so excited.


Yesterday was amazing. I found someone that makes me smile. He's cute and sweet and funny. He has fluffy hair and pretty eyes and he understands that I'm emotionally damaged and fragile and insecure and he wants to help me and be there for me. He made me smile so much yesterday and today. He tells that I'm sweet and cute and beautiful and he wants to hug me and hold my hand. His name's Ryan and he lives 3 hours away from me. And, he wants to be with me. He could find so many better, less damaged girls, but he wants to be with me.

I've spent the last two and a half weeks with Alisa and Zoey. Zoey is convinced that I'm her dad. I walk by her and she calls me her dada. She is so freaking cute.

I haven't talked to Angel in a week. The last thing I told him was that I was going to kill myself. He never responded. I'm not sure he even cares. The man I fell in love with is gone. Who ever he is now is a complete stranger. He's cold and distant and cruel. I r…

I guess it was all a lie.

Saturday night was the worst night of my life. Angel called me and told me he wants a break from our relationship. I don't understand how he can just walk away after a year and a half together. I don't get how he can tell me he still loves me but go and do this. He swears that there's no one else, says he just wants to focus on his career by himself. Even after telling me for months he wants to marry me, after telling me that he was getting a ring. He told my mother that he was going to propose for Christmas, at my grandparents' house, in front of my entire family. Who does that? I have never been so crushed in my life. Today is the first time I have actually left my bedroom for longer than 5 minutes. I feel sick to my stomach, I had a headache and I just want to curl up in a ball and never wake up again. ;~;

Fuck Life.


There is almost no worse feeling than that of being so low on someone's list of priorities that they can't even do what they said they would.
Angel said he'd have time to call me. I had been texting him daily to remind him that we need to talk and that it is very important. Apparently, listening to his mother bitch about her ex husband is more important than discussing our future. Never mind the fact that she's an adult and has friends that she can bitch to. Not to mention, he's already stressed enough without her dumping her every little issue on him. Like it's his responsibility to hold her hand because her ex sent her text message. Never mind the fact that I am apparently the only person that has to make sacrifices when it comes to Angel. Never mind the fact that I have fight tooth and nail just to get him to fucking text me. I am so depressed that I don't even know what to do anymore. And what's worse? I've told him how this shit makes me feel a…

I think, Maybe

I'm kind of wondering if I should mention to Angel that I want to marry him before he ever gets deployed anywhere. Tat way I don't freak out so much and he know that no matter how bad things get when he's gone, I'll still be at home waiting for him to come back to me. The thing is...How do I put that into words?

I just have so much on my mind with this and am not sure who to talk to.


The Lines We Cross

I finally got to really talk to Angel yesterday. I was happy to hear from him but he had some stuff to say that is hard to handle and I'm not quite sure how to cope. He decided to switch his contract to active duty. I'm not moving to Texas in December because we don't have the money right now. He has no idea when we're going to be able to see each other but he wants to be able to see me before he has to deploy. And that's the big part of what's going on. Deployment. The one word I was afraid of hearing. I'm scared and I don't really know how to handle it. He'll be gone for 6 months to a year. I have never been more afraid of anything in my life. He doesn't know when or where to yet, he promised me he'd let me know when he does.
He did do something today that made me really happy. He told me last name that I probably wouldn't hear from him today since he was going to be super busy. Even with that, he still text me. And found the time to ca…

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween to everyone out there! :D
Angel actually text me today, shocker right there. I dressed up and passed out candy to adorable little kids. Sadly, did not get too many trick or treaters and am now left with a ton of candy.
My little niece Zoey was dressed as Princess Aurora, Tabatha dressed Lacey and Zayden as pirates which is what my cousin Carissa dressed her daughter as.


Well, I'm out for now kiddos <3


I'm pretty depressed right now, not going to lie. Even though my friend Karin came over today, I still feel really lonely not being able to talk to Angel. Made less than decent peanut butter cookies. Note to self, cheap peanut butter is disgusting.
/le sigh.

Don't really know what else to say right now.

Coming Clean

The last 24 hours has been rough. Not because of anything that has happened to me, but because of what has been happening to the people around me.
We'll start with my "Wife" Tarrah. First, a little back story. I met Tarrah in the seventh grade, 8 years ago. She was my first real friend when I moved. She's the one that introduced me to Alisa. We spent the whole school year as best friends. Then, at the end of the school year, Tarrah and her family moved to Arizona. She later had a baby daughter, Kadance. Things with Kady's dad didn't work out and she and Kady moved back to Ohio to live with Tarrah's grandparents. Then, she started to date Aaron. I despised him almost instantly. He was quick to anger, didn't like her hanging out with people unless he was there and quite honestly, something about him didn't sit well with me. I begged her to break things off before things got serious. The more I begged, the more she pushed away and the more he isolate…

Convince me I've been sick forever

I guess I'm just bumming a little bit. It gets hard being in a long distance relationship without the military aspects. I got to talk to Angel for a little bit today, but it was all through text. He's thinking the whole thing sucks right now too. I guess I'm just feeling lonely. I miss being able to hear his voice and with getting all his paperwork done for his security clearance and trying to take care of his student loans, he's just so busy and worn out.
This sucks.
Is it December yet?


If This is What I Call Home

Ok, a real update on my life.
I went camping with my family last week, down to southern Ohio. It was okay. Wet and windy, but alright. Thankfully, we were in the camper and not tents. Got some pretty nice pictures in the woods by where we were. On the way home, we stopped by the Olentangy Indian Caverns. Which was pretty sweet, not gonna lie. I love caverns.
On to the topic of my love life. Angel's phone was off for most of last week. Jeremy's dumb ass never told him there was a bill due and it ended up costing Angel almost 400 dollars to get the phones turned back on. Which, due to the cost, means Angel has no idea when he's going to be able to come up and see me. I was not very happy. Then, add on all the paper work he has to get done and the fact that he's been trying to get the apartment cleaned up because Jeremy trashed the place while Angel was in training. Needless to say, Angel's not been being social at all. I had to fight tooth and nail just to hear from hi…

Let Me Go Home

Well, I'm home from a family camping trip to southern Ohio. Angel graduated from A-School on Friday. And, I have decided, I hate Angel's friend Jeremy. Looooong story. I might get into all of that later. As for right now, I'm just letting everyone know that I am still alive.

You've been the only thing that's right in a life time

One year ago today, I got off a plane in Austin, Texas. One year ago today, I saw you for the very first time. It's been one year since our first kiss, the first time we held hands, first time we fell asleep wrapped up around each other. One year since my life changed completely. It was one year ago today that I knew I would spend the rest of my life loving you. I remember being so worried that you would be different some how. Like you wouldn't be the same man I had been talking to for so much time. But you were that man. And I love you more and more each day. <3

Coming Back Down

I get to see Angel in 2 weeks!!! I am so excited to see him again, you have no idea. Work was ok last night, we were really slow. Granted, in the last like hour we did over a 100 bucks. It sucked. Nothing like last minute people to set you back half an hour. On the 8th season of Scrubs, bored. Still missing Angel like freaking crazy.
Well, I need to get some sleep. Night world.


A quick update

Done with Angel's mom. So done. Grow the fuck up, stop whining and start acting like a fucking parent. Quit asking your son for fucking money! Selfish bitch.
Angel's doing really well in A-School, passing everything, got a medal for expert rifleman :)
Work is work and it sucks.
Zoey is on the brink of walking and Alisa is trying to teach her to call me Aunt SiSi <3
Moving in December. Packing hardcore now.


Counting heartbeats

Oh how the time flies. I've been sitting here, thinking about where I was this time last year. I was counting days until my trip to Texas to see Angel for the first time. Arguing almost non-stop with my mom about me going. Alisa was still pregnant with Zoey.
And now. I'm counting down the days until I see Angel again. Counting down the days until I move. Fighting with mom every other week about me moving so far away. Zoey is a little over 8 months old.

Life is funny.


Someone call the doctor and someone call the nurse....

Well, I had to spend the morning in the hospital. Day three with a fever and sore throat that had white spots on it. And, to top it all off, woke up with both ear in a fuck ton of pain. I have acute tonsillitis and infections in both ears. Oh joy. They gave me amoxacicilin and Tylenol with codeine. Guess I'm going to sleep really freaking great tonight. They also gave me a shot of steroids in the ass to get the swelling in my throat to go down, it was that bad. The actual shot didn't hurt though. Kind of made me wonder why they don't give all shots like that.

Angel called to check on me when ever he had a moment to get to his phone. I am so very lucky to have such a loving and caring man.

Found out that the new Shutterbox will be out some time soon, super excited about that. Books of Adam ( updated today. It seem the universe is trying to make me feel better today :)

Well, I'm out.



Angel bought a ring. I had to pout and beg and plead to get him to tell me and I'm glad I did. I have never been happier about something so little as a piece of jewelry. This man...he means everything to me. I'm so lucky to have him. And, knowing he feels the same, makes my heart soar.

I'll send all my lovin to you

Well, I am back home in Ohio after spending a few days at Angel's sister's house. Went to Angel's graduation, got to spend the day with him on Friday. It was great, truly. But, it was too short and now I'm a total mess again. Crying, exhausted. I miss him more than ever now. This is all taking far too long. I am proud of him, don't get me wrong, I just miss him and don't really have anyone in my life that knows what he and I are going through.
I'm sorry, I'm just miserable.

I'm going to bed.


Temples and Bodies

I've been having a fun talk with Tarrah. We started at scarification and have drifted into tattoos and poetry. I have my next tattoo planned, just need it drawn out so I asked a bunch of friends if they wanted to draw it. Waiting for answers on that. But, anyways, back on topic. We started discussing script tattoos. She wants to get Desiderata done on her back and I mentioned that I wanted The Mask by W.B. Yeats on one arm and the repeated lines of his poem The Stolen Child on the other. I then began reading some more of his work since it's been years since I read anything other than those two. All I gotta say is; I think I should dedicate my body to his poetry xD.

In other fantastical news. I got to talk to Angel on Friday for about a half hour. His graduation is this coming friday, so I finally get to see him again. I am one happy fucking ducky. :D

Guess that's all for now :)


This is Gonna be the Good Life

I got to talk to Angel today!!! <3 And, I get to see him in exactly one week. :3 I am so very excited.

Casey and Summer had their baby if I didn't already post that. Anna Lucille <3 she is beautiful and healthy...minus the heart murmur. Hoping that sorts itself out.

I guess there is really nothing else to say at this point.


Falling Apart

My sister and niece are officially in Canada. /sigh
Spent some time with my cousin Casey and his wife, Summer, earlier. Got a great video of baby Anna with the hiccups. Best video ever.
Now I'm just chilling with my little brother and watching tv, listening to the rain.

~2 and half weeks~


Another goodbye

Well, I got to see my sister for the last time before she moves to Canada tomorrow. I'm...sad. I feel lost without her near. Not to mention I don't trust her husband. At all.
I guess all I can do is be supportive and be there when she needs me.
Casey and Summer got to bring little Anna home Sunday. Such a beautiful baby girl.

I guess I'm not really in the mood to write.

2.5 weeks left til I see Angel <3

In this dance

It's been one of those days, I guess. Been too hot to do much of anything. Rachelle was over earlier. I love hanging out with her :)
My cousin's wife is at the hospital. Last check, contractions were at 3 minutes apart and she was 3cm dilated. Hopefully, little Anna Lucille will be here after tonight. I'm so excited for that.
I miss little Zoey butt already. Even though I just back from Alisa's yesterday :p

3 weeks until I see Angel. I am so excited to be able to see my man again.
Romeo came home today. After being gone for a month. My cat is a furry little jerk. I'm just happy he's home safe and in one piece.


How quickly the time flies

I know, I haven't posted on here in a bit, sorry. Spent last week at my grandma's house/dog sitting and enjoying the a/c. Angel graduates from bootcamp in just over 3 weeks, so I get to see him really soon <3
Alisa and Zoey are moving to Canada with Colin on Tuesday. Scary to think of just how fast that's come up.
Tarrah's youngest turned 1 today. Happy birthday, Anastyn Rose <3 Tarrah's hubby also decided to join the army. I'm happy for them.
Not much else to say.

22 days <3


Hating the Heat Dome

I've been at my grandma's since Tuesday, house/dog sitting while she and my papa are out of town on the boat. It was so hot Wednesday, that my parents had to bring our two dogs over here so they could be out of the heat and in the a/c. We don't have a/c at home because it makes mom sick. But, anyhow, Steeler, my almost 15 year old lab/chow mix was doing really bad. As in, my parents were afraid he was going to stroke from the heat. And, if he were to stroke, he'd never recover. So, since they have been here, Steeler has seriously moved twice. The heat took a lot of him. Then, add on my six year old lab mix, Breezy. Breezy has never been to grandma's house and spent the first few hours spazzing the fuck out. Pacing, crying, pawing everything she could. Eventually, she settled onto the couch I live on when I'm here, taking up about 80% of the small space. With Breezy life is a little complicated sometimes. We got her from the humane society when she was 8 months …

If the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too

Not the best night. I feel a little lonely and hopeless tonight. I really miss Angel. Fuck.
I think I should sleep.


It's been wonders

So, the last few days have been the best. I hung out with Alisa and Zoey on Wednesday. Went to the Harry Potter Midnight Premiere with Alisa and Colin last night and then today...the best day. Angel got to call me for the first time since he got to bootcamp. :') I'm so emotional right now. Crying and smiling and missing him and being so incredibly happy to have gotten to talk to him for 20 minutes. It's a great day. I'm so emotional xD

Hello France!

I was just checking on the view log for this and noticed that most of today's views are from France. Sadly, I do not speak French. I do speak a bit of German but otherwise, English. And not even good English, American English. *Shudders*

In other news.
I've been getting letters from Angel and it makes me all kinds of happy. He wants me at his graduation :) So, I'm going to stay with his mom at his sister's house for that weekend.
Still feeling pretty good from all the excitement of last week. Had a decent weekend at work, minus new bullshit signs. Deff going to get a new job and get the fuck out of there.

Not too much more to say really. Been watching Lenore the Cute Little Dead Girl on youtube and talking to Alisa, Mandi, Cynthia, Fishy, Johnny and my cousin Casey and his wife, Summer.

Ok, mom just called, they had to take Summer to the hospital, they think she's going into labor, she's leaking! :D BABY!!!!!

I'll keep you posted.


My cousin is …

Swing Life Away

It has been an amazing last few days.
Tuesday I hung out with Tarrah and her kids. Yesterday, I went to Goth Night with Johnny, Emily, Kanna, Becki and some random chick. Saw my friend Codie there as well. It was a blast. Johnny and Emily kept trying to get me dance and pretty much failed. Got some amazing pictures taken by Johnny though. Hung out at Johnny's afterwards for a bit with him, Kanna and Becki. Then had to be up early-ish today to go to the movies with Tarrah and Eric. We went and seen X-Men: First Class. OMG! LOVED IT! I <3 James McAvoy. He was fantastic as Charles.
Then, when I got home, the mail came and I had letters. I finally got letters from Angel <3 I cried. I was so happy to hear from him. 7 pages of letters. It has truly been an amazing few days. <3


By the grace

I'm feeling a little off right now. Disconnected. Lonely. Rachelle is staying over, hanging out with me and Davey. They're outside, talking, goofing off. I don't feel very social at the moment.
Wrote a new poem on deviant art.
I miss Angel.
I did, however, have fun with Tarrah and her girls earlier. We went to the mall and Tarrah made me try on like 2 dozen dresses. I needed a nice dress for August, if I get to go to Angel's graduation. I did find one beautiful one. It's black and teal and I did buy it. It made me feel pretty. I am going to wear it the next time I see Angel. No matter when that is.
Also bought a fedora, good tea and a little Shock doll. Bought Kady a Rapunzel head band (with the long hair) from the Disney store. It was her Tangled birthday present. She loved it. Tarrah said I had made Kady's day. Made me feel a little brighter. Then, the girl at Teavana, was just amazing. I really wanted to hug her.
Watching Craig …

In a Red Dress and Alone


I just realized it has been quite some time since I updated on here. xD Angel was here for two and half weeks <3 and my family really likes him. Even dad likes him and that's saying a lot.
Yesterday was dad's birthday and the city's fireworks, so we all went to that and to a cook out at some family friend's house. I wanted to bring home two of the new kittens, a pair of gray twins. The boy has tealish eyes and the girl has greenish gold eyes. I just wanted them, they are so cute. I was kitty heaven there <3
Angel's been at bootcamp for a week and a half now. I'm doing better than I was, I still get really sad that I can't talk to him though.
Hanging out with Tarrah tomorrow! So excited to see her and the girls. Might be getting an Alisa and a Zoey this evening. Zoey is in angry demon baby mode and we're gonna see if maybe I can cheer her up. 6 months of her getting excited when she sees me being put the ultimate test..can I bring her out of d…

And my name's Patch

Oh Patch Adams, how I have missed thee. I can't remember the last time I watched this movie.
I have been writing and sending Angel letters every day, just like I promised. It makes me feel so much better. Less depressed. It helps make me feel closer to him.
Work last night was good. Made another 80 dollars. :)
xD This movie makes me so happy.
Today is my dad's birthday. We're going to the cities fireworks tonight. Should be a good night, weather permitting.
I need to go through my pics and print some off to send to Angel like he wanted me to. I hope my letters make him smile. Because he makes me smile, even though I can't talk to him.
I hope to hear back from him soon <3


We sit in corners and sip our coffee

Well, I just found out that Angel can only put 4 people on the access list for his graduation from bootcamp. His recruiter really didn't tell him anything. This really sucks. I want to be there, I want to see him so badly. But, I told him in the letter that I just sealed off that I would understand if he wanted his mom and 3 brothers to be there. That I wouldn't be mad. I think that may have been the hardest thing I have ever had to say to him. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
Ugh, work tonight. I probably should head back to sleep :/


Home is where ever I'm with you

I am so beyond excited to be able to send Angel all those pages of letter xD I get to see him in 49 more days!!! I am in such a great fucking mood!!! Gonna be a GREAT day. I can feel it in my bones. Started the day off with some new music, then wrote to Angel some more and am now updating this while eating left over cheese bread from last night and drinking Dr. Pepper. Great breakfast, I know.
I'm on book 6 in the Loveless series. Had to have Ellie explain it to me last night after calming down. Angel's mom is finally starting to get better. She's been trying to concentrate on her three grandkids, 4 year old Arthur, 2 year old Bella and almost 1 year old Maddie. She offered to mail me Angel's shirt last night. I'm bound and determined to steal all his clothes ;D
Hmmm...My sister might have a job. Hopefully. If so, I deff volunteer to be on baby duty during the week. I love my little niecey-kins.
Talked to Brii off and on almost all day yesterday. It was nice :)

And it all fades to back ground noise

Well, I've made it to day 6 of Angel being in bootcamp. I'm okay today. I keep having really sweet dreams of being here with me at night. It helps a lot. Been writing him pages of letters to send when I get his contact info. I still feel bad that I can't send them right now. I mean, I don't want him to think I forgot about him or the promise I made him. I really do love that man and I miss him so very much.
I've been doing a fair amount of reading the last few days. I've read completely through the first 3 books in Loveless and am about 30% through Beautiful Darkness by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl. Other than that? The Sims.
I met up with Brii Brii yesterday. It was nice. A little awkward, but I think there's a chance we can work everything out.
Trying to help Alisa with family issues. Any one know of any really good lawyers at a decent price? Always good to have a little bit of back up. I'm not going to say too much yet other than a lawyer wit…

I wanna wake up where you are

NOT PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!! Best news ever. :D That is one less thing in my life I have to stress over. Therefore, mom was right, I'm just stressing too hard and making myself sick. Grandma was wrong, thank gods.

More to come later...possibly. Off to play the sims.


The Dead are rolling over

I woke up today in a good mood. Not really sure how long it's going to last but I'm going to roll with it. I feel better today, as in, I don't feel sick. I still don't know anything about potentially being pregnant, won't know for a few days. Keep your fingers crossed that I'm not. Hopefully, Angel will be able to send me a letter soon so I can send the ones I've been writing to him. I had a dream about him last night, one where he was curled up around me, whispering that he loves me. I think that's why I'm okay today. Because, that's the stuff he actually does do. It made me feel less alone. :') Happy tears. Only 7.5 more weeks to go.
Brii Brii(I don't know if I ever mentioned her on here or not...We used to be really good friends and then it all fell apart. I don't remember how...) sent me a messege on facebook. She wanted to know if there was anyway we could meet up and talk. See if we could work things out and try to be fri…

The harder things we learn

I've been feeling really off today/last night. It started as nausea, like really bad. I went to work, determined to press on. Then, the nausea stopped but my stomach still hurt. I though maybe I was just hungry, whipped up two scrambled eggs. Felt worse. Then the pain started. High on my stomach and back and ribs. My grandma thinks I might be pregnant. So, we went and got a couple of tests. I took one of two and it cam back negative. But, from what I've been reading, being on your period could make the test read wrong. And my grandma said the first three months she was pregnant with mom, she had a regular period and only went to the doctor because she was presenting symptons very much like mine. I am terrified. If I am, about 2 months in. I really hurt right now. I really hope I'm not. Not with Angel just starting bootcamp. This. Sucks.


I scream my lungs out to try to get to you

Well, it's 7:37 AM. I never did get to hear back from Angel last night. Hopefully today? But I really don't know. I'm going to write my first letter to him today. I have no idea when I will be able to send it though.
All I need is his ship number and division number and I can send him letters every single day. <3

I am still a mess. I haven't cried yet, been up for about an hour. And, to top it all off, I have work the next two nights.

Can it please just be sunday already? Or better yet, August? Even better would be the end of December. Sigh.

It's going to be another long day.


9:07AM Still no word. Been crying for about an hour. I feel lonely...


10:13AM I've been playing the sims pretty much since my last little update. Talked to my buddy Declan for a bit. It helped. Talking helps. Talked to Angel's brother JoJo(FISHY) for a bit last night. Passed out around 7PM.

I've only had 1 can of pop and I didn't even finish it. Today's tea is Awake from Taz…

I look at my hands and feel sad

Well, Angel's flight was delayed last night. He's at the airport now, waiting to take off and get to bootcamp. I'm...I'm trying to be okay. Not doing too well on that front though.

I guess, I'll let you guys know when he gets to bootcamp and what not.


Well, it's 8:40 AM here in Toledo, OH. Angel just boarded the plane and said he'd call me when it landed. Until then? Watching Quest of Camelot until my brain melts. It is going to be one hell of a long day.
More to come later.


Quick update at 11:08 AM. Angel's plane has landed safely. Waiting for him to be able to call me. More to come when he makes it to boot camp.


It's 12:35 PM and my last text said "Goin to boot camp love you" Now, I wait for a 20 second phone call telling me where I'm sending my letters. I feel like everything's crashing in on me. It's going to be a long 8 weeks.


1:30 PM and I am a mess. Angel called me from the shuttle, letting me know he was on his way to th…

Kind of a funny story

I have this horrible way of looking at things people do. I really, really do. Like yesterday. When Brittany text me saying she was in town and said she'd come visit me...I actually believed her. I saw that as a friend reaching out to me. All I wanted was a hug. That's it. One person to actually hug me. She said she'd come see me and I waited. She never showed. She stopped and seen Alisa, told Alisa she was headed to my house afterwards. No call. No text. No Brittany. So here I am, depressed as hell because my boyfriend is about to leave for bootcamp and what not and I won't be able to actually talk to him for 2 months, I'm depressed as hell, been crying all day, and my friend who said she'd come see can't even be bothered to show or even let me know she's not showing. Effectively making me feel like I'm not even worth a phone call, let alone a text or even a message on facebook. Glad to know I mean so much to some one. /sarcasm.

Alisa and I are still…

And I'll send all my lovin' to you

Well, today's the day. He leaves this evening. MEPS tomorrow and then bootcamp the next day. I haven't slept in 23 hours, I've been crying off and on for 8. Gotta wake Angel up in an hour and a half. I'm also hiding online. I keep looking at facebook and chat and going offline when his mom signs on. She seems to think that the phrase "I'm trying not to think about it" means "keep pressing the subject". This, of course, made my cry. :/
It's going to be an emotional 2 months. I'm so depressed right now, my mother offered me a hug when she gets home. Text me and said she'd hug me. I can't even remember the last time I actually hugged her. Granted, that's mainly my fault. I'm not the most touchy person in the world. Never really have been. And, before you can make assumptions, I have never been physically abused in any manner, sexual or otherwise. I just don't like people being near me or touching me. Mom says I've al…

Remeber Love, Trust Always

Angel totally made my night. Originally, he wasn't going to take his phone to MEPS, but decided earlier that he was going to take it. Just so he'd be able to talk to me just that little bit more. Totally made me cry. I love him, so freaking much. It really means a lot to me that he decided to take his phone. He said he's just going to mail it to me so it's a shorter mail trip. He even sent me a little video of himself telling me how much he loves me. I am one hell of a lucky woman.


And the time is slipping faster

First off, Happy Father's Day to all the real dads out there. This means the men that stepped up to actually take care of and raise a child, even if it was not thiers.


I'm not okay today. Tomorrow is the last day I actually get to talk to Angel for two months. I can't believe how fast this got here. I am so...scared/upset/not okay. Alisa is taking me out Tuesday. We're taking the baby to the mall to have a girl day. <3 She really is the best friend I could ever hope to have. Probably a lot more than I deserve.

Davey did alright last night. He finished 5th in his heat, made it to the A main and then the car lost power. But, he managed to pull it off to the side to avoid a collision.

I called Angel a little bit ago and he was with his buddy Travis. As soon as Travis realized it was me Angel was talking to (took him like 10 seconds) he asked "When are y'all getting married?" I laughed and …

Singing Silence

Well, I'm currently between depressive states, trying to look on the bright side of things. I might be taking my sister's one cat from her mom's when I move. A beautiful, silver, long haired named Rori (AKA Rorzilla). I love her, she has the best fur. Long and fine so it's soft and doesn't matte.
Angel's phone is still off. Which really sucks when he leaves in less than a week for bootcamp. All I want is to be able to hear his voice and actually talk to him. :/
My little brother turns 16 on Sunday. I really wish he was still like...5. I honestly do not like the person he is becoming. He acts like dad did a couple years ago. And, quite honestly, it worries me.
My oldest niece turns 4 the day Angel leaves for bootcamp. My Boogaboo, Kady <3 She is such a cute little brat.
I've been almost in the mood to write again, poetry anyways. I'm probably going to be writing a lot over the next two months. Hopefully, something good will come out of it. If you would l…

Under Those Stars

I've been going through a lot of thinking. Angel's phone is off again and he leaves in a week. 1 week left to hear his voice and now, I don't even have that. I feel like I'm waxing depressed again. Friends, such as Alisa, say that they'll hang out with me, yet it never happens. I feel almost as if I've been forgotton by most of my friends. And, at a point where I really need them to lean on. I feel hopeless.

I'm completely done with Angel's mom. I don't mind helping people until it starts to affect my own health. She had me so stressed I was having panic attacks again. That, to me, was all I needed to say enough. The sad thing is, I told her I was starting to have panic attacks from all the stress and it didn't stop her from pouring all of her drama out on me. I've got enough going on without dealing with her marriage troubles. {For those of you who don't know, the back story; She found out her hubby of 14 years had been having an affair,…

You don't have to breathe, I will, I will breathe in for your love

So, this year is pretty much turning into a shitty year, just like last year. My Aunt Debi had to have her wolf mix, Bear, put down. This, of course, coming after Tarrah's grandma died. Angel left, the following day his mom tried to kill herself. Then, my cousin's wife is having more complications with her pregnancy, my grandma had to put her dog Kane down and my mom spent Tuesday in the hospital. They thought she was having a heartattack. Blood work came back clean, as did an EKG. We'll find out on Tuesday the results of her stress test. I have never been more terrified.

Angel leaves for bootcamp in just over 3 weeks. Niemiec leaves for Afghanistan around the same time. I am not doing good. Alisa has been sick and the only person I really have to lean on up here is Johnny.

I'm not okay.

I need to be near Angel.

I'm not okay.

And no amount of telling me that it's going to be okay is going to make me okay.





I haven't been since Angel left.

Bootcamp is …

I doze off safe and soundly, but I miss your arms around me

I am so very depressed right now. Angel's phone was turned off yesterday and he hasn't been online in hours. I'm worried, I'm sad, I miss him and I just want to curl up in a ball and sob. I hate this.

Come sail away

Angel is coming to Toledo on the 24th. I can't wait to see him again. <3

Let the rain come down

I'm coming clean

Today is my mom's birthday. She's out of town with Davey and dad. She's 40 today.
Angel said we're getting a dog, named Claude. His step-grandma is giving him to us. I don't really know too much other than that. Hope to find out more about said dog.

I've been feeling pretty down lately. I'm so tired of being in Ohio, tired of being so far away from Angel. I'm tired of working a job that I HATE. I'm tired of feeling so lonely because my friends either have kids or just don't want to do anything or are "too busy". I feel isolated.

Things will be better when I move out. When I'm with Angel. At least, I really hope he's right about that.

I'm out, going to go and take a nap. I work tonight, oh fucking joy.

I need a vacation.

Time Heals All Wounds

We had a serious conversation yesterday. We listened and came to a compromise. I feel better about where our relationship is headed. <3

Nothing else to say.

Early Mornings and Sad Thoughts.

It has been a rough week. I am ready for this year to just end. I'm not really sure how much more of this I can take. One thing after another :/
My friend Tarrah's grandma passed away at the of 66 after having a brain aneurysm burst. Tarrah was the last person to talk to her.
Tuesday, Angel had to have our pretty kitty Snuff put down. Our beautiful baby. He wasn't even a year old. Snuff was staying at a friend's house because his parents wouldn't let him keep Snuff or Mooch at the house until they were fixed. He didn't have the money to get them fixed. So they stayed with a friend. A DIFFERENT friend called Angel and said she was coming to get him, that Snuff was peeing blood. He had a urinary tract infection so bad it was shutting his kidnies down. The vet said surgery was an option but felt that Snuff would die on the table. He passed half way through euthinaztion, leading us to believe he would have passed before surgery could have even begun. It was a tragic …

Run past the edge of tomorrow

My sister, her fiancee and thier baby got kicked out of her grandma's house. Those were the text messages and phone call I woke up to today. Her grandma asked them to clean some stuff, so they started to do so and she freaked out and started to throw things with the baby in the middle of the room. Colin asked her to stop and they got into a huge screaming match. Thier staying at Alex's for now and looking to get an apartment tomorrow.
Angel and his buddy are looking into getting an apartment. Which means Angel would be coming to get me within the next year. He told me this and I cried in joy. I miss him so fucking much.
He stayed up on the phone with me last night, until he passed out, because I was coughing so hard and could barely breathe. He was so worried about me. I hate making him worry. But it meant a lot to me that he would try to stay up with me. I love him.
Well, I'm off. Helping Angel's little brother work through relationship drama.


A history of tragedy

I hate Valentine's Day. I always have. There is nothing even remotely redeeming about it. It's a scheme to guilt men into buying shiney baubles for thier girls and to then guilt said girls into giving the guys a little physical attention (based on how much they spent, of course). I mean, really? You need a fucking day to let your significant other know you actually care? What a load of bullshit.

Ugh, I'm depressed as hell today. I miss Angel, this distance shit sucks. All I want is to cuddle up with him and watch a Knight's Tale or Gladiator, something..anything. I'd be content to just lay with my head in his lap and watch him play video games. It's been 4 months since I've seen him last. And I still cry myself to sleep almost every night.

Fuck, I'm off of here for the night. I'm bored until Angel calls me back.

I hope he is a gentleman

So, all sad things aside, Angel and I have been together for 9 months today. I still can't believe how fast the time has gone. It seems like it was just yesterday we started talking again. And I love him, so much. I mean, I want to marry this boy one day.
His paperwork went through, finally, for the Navy. We discussed it earlier. He's gonna do reserves for a year and then go active duty. He's hoping to be sworn in tomorrow, work allowing.
Well, I'm out for a bit. Gonna read and do shits.


And maybe silence isn't such a bad thing: A letter to my Godmom on her birthday

Dear Aunt Aimee,
Happy Birthday. I wish I could call you and tell you this. I wish so much that I could have heard your voice one last time.
Jake's doing ok. As well as he can. He misses you like crazy.
I still can't believe you're gone. I can't believe that it's been just over 3 months already. I can't believe you'll never get to see us grow up. All of the kids in your life. Your son, your godkids. I can't believe I'll never hear you say you're proud of me again. That you won't be at my wedding or ever get to meet my children.
And it's sucks and I hate it! And I miss you. So much. I hope that where ever you are, you're happy. We love you.
Happy Birthday from all of us and that fucking monkey <3

I'm a spinning leaf

I'm waiting for the boy to get home from his buddies. I really don't like him walking at night, in the cold. But he has hot chocolate, which made me giggle.
I'm also talking to his mom on facebook. I love the fact that his family adores me and wants us to be together. It really means a lot to me and I know it means a lot to him.
My papa might have to have his hip replaced which is really weird to me. I keep forgetting that my grandparents are in thier 60's. I never really noticed that they are getting older. They don't act like it and it kinda scares me to find that it's happening anyways. My papa is closer to being my dad than my father or step dad.
I've been sleeping with an amethyst stone for months now. It's the only thing that keeps me from being really depressed. I also spray all my bed stuff down with Lavender.
But, I'm gonna get off of here, I'm getting pretty whipped. I just wanna talk to my love and get some sleep. xD


You know you're all that I live for

You know I'd day just to hold you.

So, I'm sitting at home, waiting for him to get home from work, listening to Evanescence and thinking about what he said to me last night. When he tells me that I am everything to him, the best thing to ever happen to him and his world, I cry. I've never known love before and I honestly didn't think it could ever be so beautiful and so painful. Not being near him is like hell. But when I hear his voice, I close my eyes and pretend, I pretend with everything I've got until I can almost feel him curled up with me. But it's never enough. I cry myself to sleep wanting depseratly to be back in his arms. And I can hear it in his voice when we talk at night, he's just as upset. He tries to hide it, tries to be strong for me, but I can almost taste the sorrow in his voice and it makes my heart ache.

My niece isn't doing to well right now. My sister's grandmother thought it was a good idea to feed a 6 week old baby and screwe…

Your words in my memory are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are and I lie down on the cold ground and I, I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms...

And I used to stay awake at night, wondering if life would ever change. I'd had boyfriends before, but they never really meant anything to me. I never let them get to close, never really let them touch me. A hug, a kiss, maybe holding hands, but that was always it.
I remember how we first started talking. Such simple phrases out of pure randomness, this nagging feeling in my gut, telling me to talk to you. There was something almost familiar about you. So I took a chance. Asked you to be my pet. Who would have thought you'd actually answer me?
But you did. You were in a bad situation at the time. Depressed, your life spiraling out of control.
Then you were gone, I didn't hear from you.
It wouldn't be for a almost a year before I would hear from you again. I had been sick, rushed to the ER with a skyrocketing fever. You were worrie…

I need you so much closer

I am so happy. Angel decided to go Navy instead!!! He gets sworn in on Monday. Kinda sad that I can't be there for that...
Hmm...other than that, not much else to report.

I still hear your voice when you sleep next me... boyfriend joined the Army. I am terrified, proud, upset, confused, worried. I'm pretty much a mess over it. I am so afraid of him getting hurt, of becoming some one I don't know. Of being broken. We find out Wednesday when he goes to basics. We've been talking about getting married in the next year and a half to two years. His mom is excited for that. So am I. I want to marry him, I want to spend my life with him. I mean, I love him. I truly do. And I miss him like crazy.

It's been a bad morning. I miss my godmother. The fact that she won't be able to be at my wedding, won't get to hug me and tell me she's proud of hurts. I have so much going on in my life right now, amazing things, and I feel so lost because she's not here to share it with me. And I hate it, I fucking hate that she's gone. Her birthday is in 11 days. It's going to be sad day. I'm going to be a mess. I'm still so broken inside because of it. Losing her was…

I'm miles from where you are...

Wow, it has been a really long time since I updated on here.
Angel, what can I say? I am in love with that man. The week I spent with him for his birthday was the best week of my life. And that's saying something because I've got some pretty good memories. Now, we're counting down the days until my birthday because he'll be here with me. 52 days. I honestly can't wait to see him again. Even though he's joining the army after my birthday and I am so completely terrified that he's going to get hurt or worse. :/ I just want him to come home, safe, to me. And I will still be here, waiting for him, as always, when he gets home. I love him and there is no way in hell I am going to abandon him like some heartless bitch. And don't give me that "it's hard" bullshit. NOTHING IN LIFE WORTH HAVING COMES EASY AND LOVE IS ALWAYS WORTH FIGHTING FOR. That's all there is to that. If you don't have the strength to fight for someone, to wait for them,…