Tuesday, October 13, 2015

My Immortal and a Waking Nightmare

Five years ago today, I came back to Ohio after spending a week in Texas with my first love. This month also marks four years since our relationship fell apart and two years since I lost my dogs. Needless to say, this is really not my time of year anymore. And it fucking sucks. October used to be my favorite thing for so many reasons. Crisp weather, the leaves changing colors and spiraling to the ground, clear blue skies and Orion visible at night, not to mention Halloween and apple season. Instead, I've spent the last few years dreading everything to do with October because of Angel. It sounds stupid, I know, we've been over for four years, but I still have a hard time with that. I think it might be because I fell in love with him when I was sixteen (three years before we dated) and I had really thought we had something. I can honestly say that I have not let anyone that close since him and that is a terrible thing. There's a sort of loneliness lurking inside of me and I have grown so accustomed to it that the idea of trying to fill that void terrifies me. So, I choose to hide away, put up these impossible walls and barricade what's left of me. So much so that I don't even know where the maze of traps begins or ends anymore, something that makes it so much harder to let down those tired old defenses. I push and lash out, desperate to show people that I am not something that can be tamed or, worse, loved. It's a cruel cycle and, for the life of me, I have no idea how to break it. So I write. I pour my issues into fictional characters and find them all of the things I cannot find for myself. I give this imaginary world all of the things I wish I could have, hoping it will help in some manner or another. It's easy to get lost in, but then the computer goes quiet for the night, I log off of things and the reality of the world comes crashing back in waves that pull me under without a breath and I am so tired of feeling like I'm constantly drowning. I just want to feel worthy of love.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Sing me something soft

Go figure, I vanished for a whole year again. Well, a year, a month and three days. Oops? I'd say I'm sorry, but the truth is, I simply keep forgetting I still have this thing. Life's funny like that, I suppose. A few updates of importance have occurred, but not many. I moved into a new apartment back in December after the old one was deemed unsafe for people to live in. I was promoted to full time at work (yes, I am still working at Wendy's) and that's actually a good thing because it gives me financial stability. My little brother lives with his girlfriend and is doing pretty damn well for himself and that's really about it. I keep thinking I should delete this with how little I use it, but there are a lot of memories of on here and I am awful at deleting anything. My fuck ton of accounts on tumblr are proof of that one. So, I guess I should just try to use this more often. By the way, why are most of my readers from Russia? Because that's actually sort of cool to me. Any way, Sie out~

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Well now, it has been a long ass time since I was last on here. Guess I really ought to update just so you guys know I'm still alive. A quick recap: Single Living alone-ish (I have a cat named Loki) Parentals divorced Mom's dating a woman Dad's dating anything with tits My little brother graduates high school today My sister is well My niece is now three (and loves zombies) My older brother is going to be a dad Working fast food makes me hate people more than I already did RPing on tumblr That is literally my life these days. Although, there might be something wrong with me. Either my work shoes are fucking me over or there's something wrong with my right leg. The latter being totally possible since my hips are set kinda funky. There's nothing else to really report, I suppose. ~Sie out.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

X-Men :D

part one
So, I've been pretty much in love with X-Men most of my life. But I've always been pretty quiet about it..except when forced to watch those shitty fucking love action movies(they make me RAGE). I've recently decided that I want to cosplay Rogue professionally. And I don't mean half assed, wigs and shit. I mean, I want to make all the outfits by hand, cut my hair to match hers and bleach the front white. My natural hair color is same as her's so that's an easy one

part two
So, we're making this huge group for our X-Men cosplay and narrowing down which costumes from which X-Men series.
We have Astonishing Emma Frost and Scott "Cyclops" Summers
Legacy Rogue
The rest haven't told me what outfits they want but we have
Remy "Gambit" LeBeau
Kitty "Shadowcat" Pryde
and one undecided (Either Mystique or Nightcrawler)

Instead of getting a wig, I will be actually dying my hair to match Rogue's. My poor bangs are going to hate me but not a fuck is given. :3 I found my fabrics today for the costume, so that's a plus. I also have to learn a southern accent...Wish me luck ^-^

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

How the Years Go By

Happy first birthday to my beautiful, amazing niece, Zoey. I love you so much, baby girl and there is NOTHING I won't do for you...That being said, totally smashing cake in your face later..because I love you ♥

Strange to think my little niece is 1 already. Seems like just yesterday I was holding her in the hospital, trying not to cry because of just how beautiful she was and still is. This last year, through everything good and bad, she has been a constant. A reason to smile, a reason to live for. She saved my life when I hit the bottom of my emotions. I love that little girl more than anything in this world. So, again, happy birthday Baby Girl. Your Auntie Sie Sie loves you so much <3

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I'm not okay

I keep looking at the day and just...falling apart. 5 days from now, the one man I truly loved was supposed to ask me to marry him. At least, that's what he told my mother in September. 8 days from now, I was supposed to be moving. I was supposed to be moving to Texas to live with him. I was supposed to be happy.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the constant pain. I just want to let go, move on completely and never look back.

Fuck. Everything.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Starry Nights

Hello guys, I know it's been a bit of time since I gave a real update on here. Things with Ryan are going well. Even though I'm a complete and total mess, he's super patient and understanding and sweet. But, with his work schedule, he hasn't been able to come down and see me yet. Which sucks, but I'm glad he has a job.
I just feel so lonely. I haven't been held or cuddled since August. I miss being wrapped up in someone's arms, feeling safe and warm and wanted. I miss the life I had. I miss him. Even though I'm with someone new, I still miss him. I probably always will. I gave him so much of myself and he broke me. Ryan wants to help me pick the pieces up and put everything back together.
Rachelle asked me Tuesday what I would do if Angel called and wanted me back. I told her, honestly, I don't know. I really don't.

But...I'm gonna go before I start sobbing.


Thursday, December 8, 2011


Monday is going to rock. Alisa and I are gonna go and hang out with Tarrah. Ryan's going to try to get off of work and come see me and we're going to watch all 3 Lord of the Rings on extended edition with Alisa and Cory. It's going to be a great, amazing day and I am so excited.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


Yesterday was amazing. I found someone that makes me smile. He's cute and sweet and funny. He has fluffy hair and pretty eyes and he understands that I'm emotionally damaged and fragile and insecure and he wants to help me and be there for me. He made me smile so much yesterday and today. He tells that I'm sweet and cute and beautiful and he wants to hug me and hold my hand. His name's Ryan and he lives 3 hours away from me. And, he wants to be with me. He could find so many better, less damaged girls, but he wants to be with me.

I've spent the last two and a half weeks with Alisa and Zoey. Zoey is convinced that I'm her dad. I walk by her and she calls me her dada. She is so freaking cute.

I haven't talked to Angel in a week. The last thing I told him was that I was going to kill myself. He never responded. I'm not sure he even cares. The man I fell in love with is gone. Who ever he is now is a complete stranger. He's cold and distant and cruel. I realized the other day that I've been mostly single since he got out of training in October. At least, then when he quit talking to me. It's better for me to let go and try to rebuild myself.

Well, that's all I really have to say for now. Just waiting to hear back from Ryan :)

~Me, finally beginning to be ok.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I guess it was all a lie.

Saturday night was the worst night of my life. Angel called me and told me he wants a break from our relationship. I don't understand how he can just walk away after a year and a half together. I don't get how he can tell me he still loves me but go and do this. He swears that there's no one else, says he just wants to focus on his career by himself. Even after telling me for months he wants to marry me, after telling me that he was getting a ring. He told my mother that he was going to propose for Christmas, at my grandparents' house, in front of my entire family. Who does that? I have never been so crushed in my life. Today is the first time I have actually left my bedroom for longer than 5 minutes. I feel sick to my stomach, I had a headache and I just want to curl up in a ball and never wake up again. ;~;

Fuck Life.