Thursday, November 19, 2009

Who shot that arrow in your throat?

Who missed the crimson apple?
Here I am on another cold and desolate early morning. I should go to sleep, but every time I close my eyes, it's the same dream. The same face I see. The same face I've seen night after night, year after year. Like a haunting melody that you can't get out of your head.
Maybe, I think to myself, I'm not cut out for this life. Maybe this isn't where I'm supposed to be. But if it's not, then why am I here?

And if it's not one thing, it's another. If it's not the dreams, it's my family. How my dad damn destroyed our lives with his drinking problems. I don't give a fuck how long he's been sober (2 years and some odd months), I will never forgive him for what he put us all through. I will never forgive him for making my mom cry and I will always hate him with some little peice of me for it. I will never forgive him for the way he always made sure his friends and shit knew I was his step daughter when most of my friends didn't know he wasn't biologically my dad. I will never forgive him for all the times he hurt me on purpose with the harsh things he said. I will never see him as the same man I adored as a child.
My mom is a strong woman, but she is emotionally distant. Growing up, I never had a damn person to turn to. It's been better as I've gotten older, my relationship with my mom...but it's still strained in many ways. We don't talk all that often about serious things. I have to turn to my friends. But I love my mom and she has always been there for me when I needed her the most. I just wish she appreciated me more, recognized my strengths instead of my weaknesses. Hell, she doesn't even see the stuff I write. I tried to show her a couple times, but she didn't really care. Gods know that hurt.
As for my little brother, Davey? Not much to say. He's a brat and a tool, but it's my job to protect him and I do just that. I'm the one that protected him when he was little and mom and dad would have huge ass fights. I'm the one that taught him how to drown it all out.

My friends, my other family:
There is Alisa, the one person I know will always be there for me. Six years is a long time to deal with each other. Sure we fight, but we're like sisters so it all works out in the end. Hell, I'm at her house right now. We watched a bumch of movies the last 2 days and we plan on watching more later...after we both get some sleep.
Then there's Codie. Codie the boy I met a month and a half ago. The boy that might have actually broken down all those carefully constructed walls I put up. The boy I think about and smile. The one that comes with complications. The one that has a girlfriend. Codie, the boy that has become one of my closest friends in as short a time span as Alisa in the beginning.
Then I have Lynny, the illusive one. She is, for all accounts and purposes, like a cousin. You see her every know and again, you talk to her once and a while. She's a little self absorbed and bitchy, but she's ours. No matter how many days go by without hearing a word from her.
There is Ellie, the good girl. The girl who worries about us all, the one that tries to smile at everyone. She is shy with a heart of gold. She may not see it herself, but she is beautiful in a way that most people are not. She is one of the kindest and most generous people I have ever met. She is a bright light in our darkness.
And there is Brittany. The one we love but push in the mud. She is stronger than most people and because of that, we don't see some of the things that get to her. We hurt her and she still loves us. She hurts us and we still love her. No matter how many times I try to walk away, all the hateful words I say, I love her. She is my other sister. No matter what I say when I'm pissed. I am sorry for all the times I have used her for a punching bag. And if she hates me, I will understand completely.
And Emily, my brat. I call her my daughter, because she is the daughter of my soul. I will always feel responsible for her, no matter what happens or how mature and capable she is. I just want what's best for her, and I know that it bothers her sometimes. It bothers me too.
And finally, Michaela. She is some one I can confide, can trust. Some one that is open and raw with her emotions. A girl that doesn't seem to trust easy. She is like a port in a storm, a breath of fresh air. She is the one I turn to when I can't my head straight, she knows what to ask and what to say to make all that fog lift.
These are my inner most circle, my people, my family. I will kill to protect them, die to defend them. I will avenge them, hold them when they cry and smile when they are happy. I will be there until the end for them, even if they cannot see me. These are the people that mean the world to me, whether they know it or not.
And as rambling as this may come across, I'm glad that I have said it, all of it. I feel a little lighter, a littler brighter, a little happier and a littler sadder for it all. It is life and it is mine and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not even the dreams of my past.


Friday, November 6, 2009

Living on the mind of fireflies

So, it has been a really long time since I posted a damn thing on here and I felt the time was right...
My life as of this moment:
1. Codie. That is one hell of a complicated situation. How did I end up in a love triangle this time? Working at haunted houses of course. But Codie is seriously great. Fucking amazing guy and we're supposed to hang out tomorrow if point 2 doesn't bite me in the ass.
2. I think my parents are going to get a divorce. Mom found out that dad cheated on her a month ago. I haven't seen my mom this pissed in years. She is going for full force destruction mode.
3. I've been sick off and on for over a month and am getting really pissed about it. On the plus side...well, there really is no plus side on that.
4. I called and said Happy Birthday. I was shaking when I did, terrified. Gods know I've been a bitch. But I meant what I said, whether I'm believed or not. It wasn't a joke.
Hmm, nothing else really to say other than you assholes better get ready to throw that fucking party.