Thursday, June 30, 2011

Home is where ever I'm with you

I am so beyond excited to be able to send Angel all those pages of letter xD I get to see him in 49 more days!!! I am in such a great fucking mood!!! Gonna be a GREAT day. I can feel it in my bones. Started the day off with some new music, then wrote to Angel some more and am now updating this while eating left over cheese bread from last night and drinking Dr. Pepper. Great breakfast, I know.
I'm on book 6 in the Loveless series. Had to have Ellie explain it to me last night after calming down. Angel's mom is finally starting to get better. She's been trying to concentrate on her three grandkids, 4 year old Arthur, 2 year old Bella and almost 1 year old Maddie. She offered to mail me Angel's shirt last night. I'm bound and determined to steal all his clothes ;D
Hmmm...My sister might have a job. Hopefully. If so, I deff volunteer to be on baby duty during the week. I love my little niecey-kins.
Talked to Brii off and on almost all day yesterday. It was nice :)

Well, that's all I can think of at the moment. I'll post more if I think to.

~ME!!! <3

I got to send letters to my baby. It was a happy moment <3 Been editing photos of men to make them look like girls. Way tooo much fun with that. Even started taking requests >.>;
Well, time for sleep. I am exhausted.


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

And it all fades to back ground noise

Well, I've made it to day 6 of Angel being in bootcamp. I'm okay today. I keep having really sweet dreams of being here with me at night. It helps a lot. Been writing him pages of letters to send when I get his contact info. I still feel bad that I can't send them right now. I mean, I don't want him to think I forgot about him or the promise I made him. I really do love that man and I miss him so very much.
I've been doing a fair amount of reading the last few days. I've read completely through the first 3 books in Loveless and am about 30% through Beautiful Darkness by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl. Other than that? The Sims.
I met up with Brii Brii yesterday. It was nice. A little awkward, but I think there's a chance we can work everything out.
Trying to help Alisa with family issues. Any one know of any really good lawyers at a decent price? Always good to have a little bit of back up. I'm not going to say too much yet other than a lawyer with experience in custody battles is preferred.
Well, I'm out for a little bit.


Angel was allowed to send his contriband stuff to his mom along with a letter. He made sure to tell her to tell me his contact info, graduation date, that he loves me and that he'll be sending me letters soon. I cried, a lot. Then called Ellie. Ellie makes life easier. 50 more days til I get to see Angel again <3 And, now, I can send him all the pages I've written :)


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I wanna wake up where you are

NOT PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!! Best news ever. :D That is one less thing in my life I have to stress over. Therefore, mom was right, I'm just stressing too hard and making myself sick. Grandma was wrong, thank gods.

More to come later...possibly. Off to play the sims.


Monday, June 27, 2011

The Dead are rolling over

I woke up today in a good mood. Not really sure how long it's going to last but I'm going to roll with it. I feel better today, as in, I don't feel sick. I still don't know anything about potentially being pregnant, won't know for a few days. Keep your fingers crossed that I'm not. Hopefully, Angel will be able to send me a letter soon so I can send the ones I've been writing to him. I had a dream about him last night, one where he was curled up around me, whispering that he loves me. I think that's why I'm okay today. Because, that's the stuff he actually does do. It made me feel less alone. :') Happy tears. Only 7.5 more weeks to go.
Brii Brii(I don't know if I ever mentioned her on here or not...We used to be really good friends and then it all fell apart. I don't remember how...) sent me a messege on facebook. She wanted to know if there was anyway we could meet up and talk. See if we could work things out and try to be friends again. I told her I was willing to give it a try. Life is too short to sit around and wonder "what if". I'm only know beginning to figure that out.

I'm out for a bit, might be back on later.


My good mood didn't have the chance to last all that long. Angel's mom decided she was going to talk to me. I told her I was trying not to think about things, such as Angel being in bootcamp. I mean, I was doing okay. But she wanted to push the subject and now I feel like crying my eyes out. I'm just going to hide online from now on :/

Current music-Transatlanticism-Death Cab for Cutie


Saturday, June 25, 2011

The harder things we learn

I've been feeling really off today/last night. It started as nausea, like really bad. I went to work, determined to press on. Then, the nausea stopped but my stomach still hurt. I though maybe I was just hungry, whipped up two scrambled eggs. Felt worse. Then the pain started. High on my stomach and back and ribs. My grandma thinks I might be pregnant. So, we went and got a couple of tests. I took one of two and it cam back negative. But, from what I've been reading, being on your period could make the test read wrong. And my grandma said the first three months she was pregnant with mom, she had a regular period and only went to the doctor because she was presenting symptons very much like mine. I am terrified. If I am, about 2 months in. I really hurt right now. I really hope I'm not. Not with Angel just starting bootcamp. This. Sucks.


Friday, June 24, 2011

I scream my lungs out to try to get to you

Well, it's 7:37 AM. I never did get to hear back from Angel last night. Hopefully today? But I really don't know. I'm going to write my first letter to him today. I have no idea when I will be able to send it though.
All I need is his ship number and division number and I can send him letters every single day. <3

I am still a mess. I haven't cried yet, been up for about an hour. And, to top it all off, I have work the next two nights.

Can it please just be sunday already? Or better yet, August? Even better would be the end of December. Sigh.

It's going to be another long day.


9:07AM Still no word. Been crying for about an hour. I feel lonely...


10:13AM I've been playing the sims pretty much since my last little update. Talked to my buddy Declan for a bit. It helped. Talking helps. Talked to Angel's brother JoJo(FISHY) for a bit last night. Passed out around 7PM.

I've only had 1 can of pop and I didn't even finish it. Today's tea is Awake from Tazo. 4 spoons of sugar. I usually add milk but I'm low and saving it for tomato soup later. Also, too blah to walk to the gas station. I look like crap. No joke, hair's a mess, no makeup, still in my pajama's.

Current song is Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional.
Current mood is trying to be optimistic.


11:22AM New poem up on deviantart


12:48PM Started writing my first letter to Angel. Got emotional and had to stop. About to toss in some laundry and take a nap. I really do not want to go to work tonight. I hate my job. Still wondering when I'm going to get to hear from Angel so I know where to send the letters.


2:35PM I've survived the 24 hours mark. Going back to bed now.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

I look at my hands and feel sad

Well, Angel's flight was delayed last night. He's at the airport now, waiting to take off and get to bootcamp. I'm...I'm trying to be okay. Not doing too well on that front though.

I guess, I'll let you guys know when he gets to bootcamp and what not.


Well, it's 8:40 AM here in Toledo, OH. Angel just boarded the plane and said he'd call me when it landed. Until then? Watching Quest of Camelot until my brain melts. It is going to be one hell of a long day.
More to come later.


Quick update at 11:08 AM. Angel's plane has landed safely. Waiting for him to be able to call me. More to come when he makes it to boot camp.


It's 12:35 PM and my last text said "Goin to boot camp love you" Now, I wait for a 20 second phone call telling me where I'm sending my letters. I feel like everything's crashing in on me. It's going to be a long 8 weeks.


1:30 PM and I am a mess. Angel called me from the shuttle, letting me know he was on his way to the base. I was sobbing by the time he said goodbye. It was a minute long phone call. He said he'll call me when he can. He's still texting me and I'm crying, out of tissues and my chest hurts. I really hate this.


2:56PM Angel made it base about an hour ago. I would have posted this sooner but was crying too hard. Then made some food and picked at it. Waiting for the official "I'm here, have some contact info" call. Long day is long.


4:28PM It's been a little over 2 hours and no word. I'm so tired, I have a headache and I feel like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment. I'd go to sleep, but I don't want to miss that call or be so sleepy I don't remember what he says. Fuck. Today. Seriously.


5:53 PM still no word. I'm beginning to think they're not going to let him call. I'm calmer right now, drinking some tea that's supposed to help calm you down. Guess it's working. Listening to music, being tired and still having a headache. Probably won't sleep for shit. Le sigh.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Kind of a funny story

I have this horrible way of looking at things people do. I really, really do. Like yesterday. When Brittany text me saying she was in town and said she'd come visit me...I actually believed her. I saw that as a friend reaching out to me. All I wanted was a hug. That's it. One person to actually hug me. She said she'd come see me and I waited. She never showed. She stopped and seen Alisa, told Alisa she was headed to my house afterwards. No call. No text. No Brittany. So here I am, depressed as hell because my boyfriend is about to leave for bootcamp and what not and I won't be able to actually talk to him for 2 months, I'm depressed as hell, been crying all day, and my friend who said she'd come see can't even be bothered to show or even let me know she's not showing. Effectively making me feel like I'm not even worth a phone call, let alone a text or even a message on facebook. Glad to know I mean so much to some one. /sarcasm.

Alisa and I are still planning on going to the mall later, only sans baby. Her mom wants to spend some time with Z and Alisa just wants to spend time with me without having to take care of the baby. A few hour break from mommyness and socializing with me. We're going to be miserable together because she's having a bad day too.

I called and woke Angel up for the last time this morning. The last time until all this training is done and over with. I just want to cry. This is going to be so hard and seriously, I have no one in my life that really understands what I'm going through. Which, inevetibly, makes it harder.

He keeps telling me to try to be positive. That it's all going to be for the best and that we'll be together again soon. And that when he comes to get me, it'll be forever. And he's being so sweet and affectionate and it makes me cry and I feel awful for crying because it makes his voice crack and I know he's trying not to cry. He's trying to be strong for me. And me? I'm falling to pieces.


Monday, June 20, 2011

And I'll send all my lovin' to you

Well, today's the day. He leaves this evening. MEPS tomorrow and then bootcamp the next day. I haven't slept in 23 hours, I've been crying off and on for 8. Gotta wake Angel up in an hour and a half. I'm also hiding online. I keep looking at facebook and chat and going offline when his mom signs on. She seems to think that the phrase "I'm trying not to think about it" means "keep pressing the subject". This, of course, made my cry. :/
It's going to be an emotional 2 months. I'm so depressed right now, my mother offered me a hug when she gets home. Text me and said she'd hug me. I can't even remember the last time I actually hugged her. Granted, that's mainly my fault. I'm not the most touchy person in the world. Never really have been. And, before you can make assumptions, I have never been physically abused in any manner, sexual or otherwise. I just don't like people being near me or touching me. Mom says I've always been like this, even when I was really little, I didn't even want her to hold me when I was sick. I kinda feel like maybe that hurt her. To have a child that doesn't even want you to hug them, let alone touch them at all.
Alisa and I are supposed to be going the mall tomorrow, taking Zoey for a little girl's day. I'm looking forward to that, cautiously optimistic.
I'm tired but can't sleep...This is going to be an off day of all sorts. :/

I'm gonna go for a bit. I'll probably update again tonight if the Sandman hasn't decided to bash me in the head to get me to sleep.

~A Sad Little Me

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Remeber Love, Trust Always

Angel totally made my night. Originally, he wasn't going to take his phone to MEPS, but decided earlier that he was going to take it. Just so he'd be able to talk to me just that little bit more. Totally made me cry. I love him, so freaking much. It really means a lot to me that he decided to take his phone. He said he's just going to mail it to me so it's a shorter mail trip. He even sent me a little video of himself telling me how much he loves me. I am one hell of a lucky woman.


And the time is slipping faster

First off, Happy Father's Day to all the real dads out there. This means the men that stepped up to actually take care of and raise a child, even if it was not thiers.


I'm not okay today. Tomorrow is the last day I actually get to talk to Angel for two months. I can't believe how fast this got here. I am so...scared/upset/not okay. Alisa is taking me out Tuesday. We're taking the baby to the mall to have a girl day. <3 She really is the best friend I could ever hope to have. Probably a lot more than I deserve.

Davey did alright last night. He finished 5th in his heat, made it to the A main and then the car lost power. But, he managed to pull it off to the side to avoid a collision.

I called Angel a little bit ago and he was with his buddy Travis. As soon as Travis realized it was me Angel was talking to (took him like 10 seconds) he asked "When are y'all getting married?" I laughed and told Angel to tell him "When ever the fuck we feel like it! :p" to which Travis replied "The sooner the better" and I said "I agree". Laughs all around. It's really reassuring to me to know that his friends think I'm good for him. Just as my friends think he's good for me.

Well, I'm off. I'm going to go and eat a bagel or something.


Thursday, June 16, 2011

Singing Silence

Well, I'm currently between depressive states, trying to look on the bright side of things. I might be taking my sister's one cat from her mom's when I move. A beautiful, silver, long haired named Rori (AKA Rorzilla). I love her, she has the best fur. Long and fine so it's soft and doesn't matte.
Angel's phone is still off. Which really sucks when he leaves in less than a week for bootcamp. All I want is to be able to hear his voice and actually talk to him. :/
My little brother turns 16 on Sunday. I really wish he was still like...5. I honestly do not like the person he is becoming. He acts like dad did a couple years ago. And, quite honestly, it worries me.
My oldest niece turns 4 the day Angel leaves for bootcamp. My Boogaboo, Kady <3 She is such a cute little brat.
I've been almost in the mood to write again, poetry anyways. I'm probably going to be writing a lot over the next two months. Hopefully, something good will come out of it. If you would like, you can follow my writing and photography at
Well, I'm signing off of here for the time being. I'm going to go and make some food. Have a wonderful night/day

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Under Those Stars

I've been going through a lot of thinking. Angel's phone is off again and he leaves in a week. 1 week left to hear his voice and now, I don't even have that. I feel like I'm waxing depressed again. Friends, such as Alisa, say that they'll hang out with me, yet it never happens. I feel almost as if I've been forgotton by most of my friends. And, at a point where I really need them to lean on. I feel hopeless.

I'm completely done with Angel's mom. I don't mind helping people until it starts to affect my own health. She had me so stressed I was having panic attacks again. That, to me, was all I needed to say enough. The sad thing is, I told her I was starting to have panic attacks from all the stress and it didn't stop her from pouring all of her drama out on me. I've got enough going on without dealing with her marriage troubles. {For those of you who don't know, the back story; She found out her hubby of 14 years had been having an affair, she threw him out, tried to off herself, wanted to work things out, he moved in with the other woman, she filed for divorce, he got emotionally abusive, she attacked him and got arrested. Her mom bailed her out of jail} I'm sorry, but when you're the PARENT you put your bullshit aside and not dump it on your kids or your son's girlfriend. That is what you have a therapist for. That is what you have friends your OWN AGE who know what you're going through for. Not your son's girlfriend who is already stressed about the man she loves going off to bootcamp and not being able to talk to him for 8 FUCKING WEEKS.

My sleep schedule is completely out of whack at the moment. I've been going to bed around noon and sleeping until 6-7 in the evening. Mainly, I play the sims. The sad thing is, I'm tired by like 3 am and just can't sleep.

I don't work saturday, and I am so excited for a night off. I'm going to see my brother race for his birthday. Can't believe the little asshole is going to be 16.

Well, I'm going to get off of here for a bit. I'll probably be posting on here a lot more once Angel leaves. :/


P.S. I deff want to see Mr. Popper's Penguins. <3