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Saturday, May 28, 2011

You don't have to breathe, I will, I will breathe in for your love

So, this year is pretty much turning into a shitty year, just like last year. My Aunt Debi had to have her wolf mix, Bear, put down. This, of course, coming after Tarrah's grandma died. Angel left, the following day his mom tried to kill herself. Then, my cousin's wife is having more complications with her pregnancy, my grandma had to put her dog Kane down and my mom spent Tuesday in the hospital. They thought she was having a heartattack. Blood work came back clean, as did an EKG. We'll find out on Tuesday the results of her stress test. I have never been more terrified.

Angel leaves for bootcamp in just over 3 weeks. Niemiec leaves for Afghanistan around the same time. I am not doing good. Alisa has been sick and the only person I really have to lean on up here is Johnny.

I'm not okay.

I need to be near Angel.

I'm not okay.

And no amount of telling me that it's going to be okay is going to make me okay.

I.

Am.

Not.

Okay.

I haven't been since Angel left.

Bootcamp is going to damn near kill me.

I'm scared.

My ribs hurt.

I'm afraid the panic attacks will start again.

I'm afraid I'm going to start cutting again.

I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of crying

Of being worried

Of being cold.

I'm just so tired.

I'm not okay.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I doze off safe and soundly, but I miss your arms around me

I am so very depressed right now. Angel's phone was turned off yesterday and he hasn't been online in hours. I'm worried, I'm sad, I miss him and I just want to curl up in a ball and sob. I hate this.