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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

How the Years Go By





Happy first birthday to my beautiful, amazing niece, Zoey. I love you so much, baby girl and there is NOTHING I won't do for you...That being said, totally smashing cake in your face later..because I love you ♥

Strange to think my little niece is 1 already. Seems like just yesterday I was holding her in the hospital, trying not to cry because of just how beautiful she was and still is. This last year, through everything good and bad, she has been a constant. A reason to smile, a reason to live for. She saved my life when I hit the bottom of my emotions. I love that little girl more than anything in this world. So, again, happy birthday Baby Girl. Your Auntie Sie Sie loves you so much <3

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I'm not okay

I keep looking at the day and just...falling apart. 5 days from now, the one man I truly loved was supposed to ask me to marry him. At least, that's what he told my mother in September. 8 days from now, I was supposed to be moving. I was supposed to be moving to Texas to live with him. I was supposed to be happy.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the constant pain. I just want to let go, move on completely and never look back.

Fuck. Everything.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Starry Nights

Hello guys, I know it's been a bit of time since I gave a real update on here. Things with Ryan are going well. Even though I'm a complete and total mess, he's super patient and understanding and sweet. But, with his work schedule, he hasn't been able to come down and see me yet. Which sucks, but I'm glad he has a job.
I just feel so lonely. I haven't been held or cuddled since August. I miss being wrapped up in someone's arms, feeling safe and warm and wanted. I miss the life I had. I miss him. Even though I'm with someone new, I still miss him. I probably always will. I gave him so much of myself and he broke me. Ryan wants to help me pick the pieces up and put everything back together.
Rachelle asked me Tuesday what I would do if Angel called and wanted me back. I told her, honestly, I don't know. I really don't.

But...I'm gonna go before I start sobbing.

~Me

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Monday

Monday is going to rock. Alisa and I are gonna go and hang out with Tarrah. Ryan's going to try to get off of work and come see me and we're going to watch all 3 Lord of the Rings on extended edition with Alisa and Cory. It's going to be a great, amazing day and I am so excited.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Yesterday

Yesterday was amazing. I found someone that makes me smile. He's cute and sweet and funny. He has fluffy hair and pretty eyes and he understands that I'm emotionally damaged and fragile and insecure and he wants to help me and be there for me. He made me smile so much yesterday and today. He tells that I'm sweet and cute and beautiful and he wants to hug me and hold my hand. His name's Ryan and he lives 3 hours away from me. And, he wants to be with me. He could find so many better, less damaged girls, but he wants to be with me.

I've spent the last two and a half weeks with Alisa and Zoey. Zoey is convinced that I'm her dad. I walk by her and she calls me her dada. She is so freaking cute.

I haven't talked to Angel in a week. The last thing I told him was that I was going to kill myself. He never responded. I'm not sure he even cares. The man I fell in love with is gone. Who ever he is now is a complete stranger. He's cold and distant and cruel. I realized the other day that I've been mostly single since he got out of training in October. At least, then when he quit talking to me. It's better for me to let go and try to rebuild myself.

Well, that's all I really have to say for now. Just waiting to hear back from Ryan :)

~Me, finally beginning to be ok.