Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Run past the edge of tomorrow

My sister, her fiancee and thier baby got kicked out of her grandma's house. Those were the text messages and phone call I woke up to today. Her grandma asked them to clean some stuff, so they started to do so and she freaked out and started to throw things with the baby in the middle of the room. Colin asked her to stop and they got into a huge screaming match. Thier staying at Alex's for now and looking to get an apartment tomorrow.
Angel and his buddy are looking into getting an apartment. Which means Angel would be coming to get me within the next year. He told me this and I cried in joy. I miss him so fucking much.
He stayed up on the phone with me last night, until he passed out, because I was coughing so hard and could barely breathe. He was so worried about me. I hate making him worry. But it meant a lot to me that he would try to stay up with me. I love him.
Well, I'm off. Helping Angel's little brother work through relationship drama.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A history of tragedy

I hate Valentine's Day. I always have. There is nothing even remotely redeeming about it. It's a scheme to guilt men into buying shiney baubles for thier girls and to then guilt said girls into giving the guys a little physical attention (based on how much they spent, of course). I mean, really? You need a fucking day to let your significant other know you actually care? What a load of bullshit.

Ugh, I'm depressed as hell today. I miss Angel, this distance shit sucks. All I want is to cuddle up with him and watch a Knight's Tale or Gladiator, something..anything. I'd be content to just lay with my head in his lap and watch him play video games. It's been 4 months since I've seen him last. And I still cry myself to sleep almost every night.

Fuck, I'm off of here for the night. I'm bored until Angel calls me back.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I hope he is a gentleman

So, all sad things aside, Angel and I have been together for 9 months today. I still can't believe how fast the time has gone. It seems like it was just yesterday we started talking again. And I love him, so much. I mean, I want to marry this boy one day.
His paperwork went through, finally, for the Navy. We discussed it earlier. He's gonna do reserves for a year and then go active duty. He's hoping to be sworn in tomorrow, work allowing.
Well, I'm out for a bit. Gonna read and do shits.


And maybe silence isn't such a bad thing: A letter to my Godmom on her birthday

Dear Aunt Aimee,
Happy Birthday. I wish I could call you and tell you this. I wish so much that I could have heard your voice one last time.
Jake's doing ok. As well as he can. He misses you like crazy.
I still can't believe you're gone. I can't believe that it's been just over 3 months already. I can't believe you'll never get to see us grow up. All of the kids in your life. Your son, your godkids. I can't believe I'll never hear you say you're proud of me again. That you won't be at my wedding or ever get to meet my children.
And it's sucks and I hate it! And I miss you. So much. I hope that where ever you are, you're happy. We love you.
Happy Birthday from all of us and that fucking monkey <3

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I'm a spinning leaf

I'm waiting for the boy to get home from his buddies. I really don't like him walking at night, in the cold. But he has hot chocolate, which made me giggle.
I'm also talking to his mom on facebook. I love the fact that his family adores me and wants us to be together. It really means a lot to me and I know it means a lot to him.
My papa might have to have his hip replaced which is really weird to me. I keep forgetting that my grandparents are in thier 60's. I never really noticed that they are getting older. They don't act like it and it kinda scares me to find that it's happening anyways. My papa is closer to being my dad than my father or step dad.
I've been sleeping with an amethyst stone for months now. It's the only thing that keeps me from being really depressed. I also spray all my bed stuff down with Lavender.
But, I'm gonna get off of here, I'm getting pretty whipped. I just wanna talk to my love and get some sleep. xD


You know you're all that I live for

You know I'd day just to hold you.

So, I'm sitting at home, waiting for him to get home from work, listening to Evanescence and thinking about what he said to me last night. When he tells me that I am everything to him, the best thing to ever happen to him and his world, I cry. I've never known love before and I honestly didn't think it could ever be so beautiful and so painful. Not being near him is like hell. But when I hear his voice, I close my eyes and pretend, I pretend with everything I've got until I can almost feel him curled up with me. But it's never enough. I cry myself to sleep wanting depseratly to be back in his arms. And I can hear it in his voice when we talk at night, he's just as upset. He tries to hide it, tries to be strong for me, but I can almost taste the sorrow in his voice and it makes my heart ache.

My niece isn't doing to well right now. My sister's grandmother thought it was a good idea to feed a 6 week old baby and screwed her stomach up. >( I am so mad about that. Poor Zo's sick and has to be on lactose free formula now because her stomach is screwy and can't handle normal formula. Great fucking job, Eileen. Really. Fucking bitch. And the thing is, Eileen isn't that old. She's not old and senile. She's just an idiot. And she tries to call my sister an unfit mother? Puh-lease. Alisa is doing a damn fine job with that baby. Sorry, just really upset about my niecey-kins being in pain :(

Buuuut, I'm going to get off of here and go to bed soon. I'm getting up early to make sure my dearest gets up on time for work.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Your words in my memory are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are and I lie down on the cold ground and I, I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms...

And I used to stay awake at night, wondering if life would ever change. I'd had boyfriends before, but they never really meant anything to me. I never let them get to close, never really let them touch me. A hug, a kiss, maybe holding hands, but that was always it.
I remember how we first started talking. Such simple phrases out of pure randomness, this nagging feeling in my gut, telling me to talk to you. There was something almost familiar about you. So I took a chance. Asked you to be my pet. Who would have thought you'd actually answer me?
But you did. You were in a bad situation at the time. Depressed, your life spiraling out of control.
Then you were gone, I didn't hear from you.
It wouldn't be for a almost a year before I would hear from you again. I had been sick, rushed to the ER with a skyrocketing fever. You were worried about me. I thought I could have cried because (and I wouldn't admit it then) I had missed you.
Another lapse in time, I heard from you again. This time we actually talked instead of it being a comment on a page. You told me about your car accident. How you were lucky to have walked away from it all, let alone so unhurt. I was upset over the thought of you being hurt, I remember that clearly.
More time went by, sporadic hello's, just enough to know the other was still alive.
Then, we go to April of 2010. I had gotten a cell phone with the internet on it. You just happened to be on AIM. I said hi. I felt a sense of vertigo, waiting to see if you would answer. You did. My heart fluttered.
A few weeks later we were tenatively dating. You confessed to me your fears, your worries, your hopes and your dreams. You told me of your past and of the mistakes you made and I listened. I accpeted. You did the same for me.
I went to see you for your birthday. It was the first time we had ever met face to face. It was strange. It had felt like I had always known you. We slept, wrapped in eachothers arms every night for a week. One simple week, the happiest I have ever been. I was comfortable with you, I felt safe. And you said you loved me. You still do, every day. And you call me yours. And for that, I would give anything.
I love you, Angel. Now, then and forever. <3

Friday, February 4, 2011

I need you so much closer

I am so happy. Angel decided to go Navy instead!!! He gets sworn in on Monday. Kinda sad that I can't be there for that...
Hmm...other than that, not much else to report.