Silence is Serenity

Monday is going to rock. Alisa and I are gonna go and hang out with Tarrah. Ryan's going to try to get off of work and come see me and we're going to watch all 3 Lord of the Rings on extended edition with Alisa and Cory. It's going to be a great, amazing day and I am so excited.

Yesterday was amazing. I found someone that makes me smile. He's cute and sweet and funny. He has fluffy hair and pretty eyes and he understands that I'm emotionally damaged and fragile and insecure and he wants to help me and be there for me. He made me smile so much yesterday and today. He tells that I'm sweet and cute and beautiful and he wants to hug me and hold my hand. His name's Ryan and he lives 3 hours away from me. And, he wants to be with me. He could find so many better, less damaged girls, but he wants to be with me. I've spent the last two and a half weeks with Alisa and Zoey. Zoey is convinced that I'm her dad. I walk by her and she calls me her dada. She is so freaking cute. I haven't talked to Angel in a week. The last thing I told him was that I was going to kill myself. He never responded. I'm not sure he even cares. The man I fell in love with is gone. Who ever he is now is a complete stranger. He's cold and distant and cruel. I r

Saturday night was the worst night of my life. Angel called me and told me he wants a break from our relationship. I don't understand how he can just walk away after a year and a half together. I don't get how he can tell me he still loves me but go and do this. He swears that there's no one else, says he just wants to focus on his career by himself. Even after telling me for months he wants to marry me, after telling me that he was getting a ring. He told my mother that he was going to propose for Christmas, at my grandparents' house, in front of my entire family. Who does that? I have never been so crushed in my life. Today is the first time I have actually left my bedroom for longer than 5 minutes. I feel sick to my stomach, I had a headache and I just want to curl up in a ball and never wake up again. ;~; Fuck Life.

There is almost no worse feeling than that of being so low on someone's list of priorities that they can't even do what they said they would. Angel said he'd have time to call me. I had been texting him daily to remind him that we need to talk and that it is very important. Apparently, listening to his mother bitch about her ex husband is more important than discussing our future. Never mind the fact that she's an adult and has friends that she can bitch to. Not to mention, he's already stressed enough without her dumping her every little issue on him. Like it's his responsibility to hold her hand because her ex sent her text message. Never mind the fact that I am apparently the only person that has to make sacrifices when it comes to Angel. Never mind the fact that I have fight tooth and nail just to get him to fucking text me. I am so depressed that I don't even know what to do anymore. And what's worse? I've told him how this shit makes me feel a

I'm kind of wondering if I should mention to Angel that I want to marry him before he ever gets deployed anywhere. Tat way I don't freak out so much and he know that no matter how bad things get when he's gone, I'll still be at home waiting for him to come back to me. The thing is...How do I put that into words? I just have so much on my mind with this and am not sure who to talk to. ~Me

I finally got to really talk to Angel yesterday. I was happy to hear from him but he had some stuff to say that is hard to handle and I'm not quite sure how to cope. He decided to switch his contract to active duty. I'm not moving to Texas in December because we don't have the money right now. He has no idea when we're going to be able to see each other but he wants to be able to see me before he has to deploy. And that's the big part of what's going on. Deployment. The one word I was afraid of hearing. I'm scared and I don't really know how to handle it. He'll be gone for 6 months to a year. I have never been more afraid of anything in my life. He doesn't know when or where to yet, he promised me he'd let me know when he does. He did do something today that made me really happy. He told me last name that I probably wouldn't hear from him today since he was going to be super busy. Even with that, he still text me. And found the time to ca

Happy Halloween to everyone out there! :D Angel actually text me today, shocker right there. I dressed up and passed out candy to adorable little kids. Sadly, did not get too many trick or treaters and am now left with a ton of candy. My little niece Zoey was dressed as Princess Aurora, Tabatha dressed Lacey and Zayden as pirates which is what my cousin Carissa dressed her daughter as. TADA! :D Well, I'm out for now kiddos <3