Silence is Serenity

9:13AM I am so beyond excited to be able to send Angel all those pages of letter xD I get to see him in 49 more days!!! I am in such a great fucking mood!!! Gonna be a GREAT day. I can feel it in my bones. Started the day off with some new music, then wrote to Angel some more and am now updating this while eating left over cheese bread from last night and drinking Dr. Pepper. Great breakfast, I know. I'm on book 6 in the Loveless series. Had to have Ellie explain it to me last night after calming down. Angel's mom is finally starting to get better. She's been trying to concentrate on her three grandkids, 4 year old Arthur, 2 year old Bella and almost 1 year old Maddie. She offered to mail me Angel's shirt last night. I'm bound and determined to steal all his clothes ;D Hmmm...My sister might have a job. Hopefully. If so, I deff volunteer to be on baby duty during the week. I love my little niecey-kins. Talked to Brii off and on almost all day yesterday. It was nice ...

11:07AM Well, I've made it to day 6 of Angel being in bootcamp. I'm okay today. I keep having really sweet dreams of being here with me at night. It helps a lot. Been writing him pages of letters to send when I get his contact info. I still feel bad that I can't send them right now. I mean, I don't want him to think I forgot about him or the promise I made him. I really do love that man and I miss him so very much. I've been doing a fair amount of reading the last few days. I've read completely through the first 3 books in Loveless and am about 30% through Beautiful Darkness by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl. Other than that? The Sims. I met up with Brii Brii yesterday. It was nice. A little awkward, but I think there's a chance we can work everything out. Trying to help Alisa with family issues. Any one know of any really good lawyers at a decent price? Always good to have a little bit of back up. I'm not going to say too much yet other than a lawyer wi...

NOT PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!! Best news ever. :D That is one less thing in my life I have to stress over. Therefore, mom was right, I'm just stressing too hard and making myself sick. Grandma was wrong, thank gods. More to come later...possibly. Off to play the sims. ~ME!!!

9:05AM I woke up today in a good mood. Not really sure how long it's going to last but I'm going to roll with it. I feel better today, as in, I don't feel sick. I still don't know anything about potentially being pregnant, won't know for a few days. Keep your fingers crossed that I'm not. Hopefully, Angel will be able to send me a letter soon so I can send the ones I've been writing to him. I had a dream about him last night, one where he was curled up around me, whispering that he loves me. I think that's why I'm okay today. Because, that's the stuff he actually does do. It made me feel less alone. :') Happy tears. Only 7.5 more weeks to go. Brii Brii(I don't know if I ever mentioned her on here or not...We used to be really good friends and then it all fell apart. I don't remember how...) sent me a messege on facebook. She wanted to know if there was anyway we could meet up and talk. See if we could work things out and try to be fri...

8:28AM I've been feeling really off today/last night. It started as nausea, like really bad. I went to work, determined to press on. Then, the nausea stopped but my stomach still hurt. I though maybe I was just hungry, whipped up two scrambled eggs. Felt worse. Then the pain started. High on my stomach and back and ribs. My grandma thinks I might be pregnant. So, we went and got a couple of tests. I took one of two and it cam back negative. But, from what I've been reading, being on your period could make the test read wrong. And my grandma said the first three months she was pregnant with mom, she had a regular period and only went to the doctor because she was presenting symptons very much like mine. I am terrified. If I am, about 2 months in. I really hurt right now. I really hope I'm not. Not with Angel just starting bootcamp. This. Sucks. ~

Well, it's 7:37 AM. I never did get to hear back from Angel last night. Hopefully today? But I really don't know. I'm going to write my first letter to him today. I have no idea when I will be able to send it though. All I need is his ship number and division number and I can send him letters every single day. I am still a mess. I haven't cried yet, been up for about an hour. And, to top it all off, I have work the next two nights. Can it please just be sunday already? Or better yet, August? Even better would be the end of December. Sigh. It's going to be another long day. ~ 9:07AM Still no word. Been crying for about an hour. I feel lonely... ~ 10:13AM I've been playing the sims pretty much since my last little update. Talked to my buddy Declan for a bit. It helped. Talking helps. Talked to Angel's brother JoJo(FISHY) for a bit last night. Passed out around 7PM. I've only had 1 can of pop and I didn't even finish it. Today's tea is Awake from Ta...

Well, Angel's flight was delayed last night. He's at the airport now, waiting to take off and get to bootcamp. I'm...I'm trying to be okay. Not doing too well on that front though. I guess, I'll let you guys know when he gets to bootcamp and what not. ~ Well, it's 8:40 AM here in Toledo, OH. Angel just boarded the plane and said he'd call me when it landed. Until then? Watching Quest of Camelot until my brain melts. It is going to be one hell of a long day. More to come later. ~ Quick update at 11:08 AM. Angel's plane has landed safely. Waiting for him to be able to call me. More to come when he makes it to boot camp. ~ It's 12:35 PM and my last text said "Goin to boot camp love you" Now, I wait for a 20 second phone call telling me where I'm sending my letters. I feel like everything's crashing in on me. It's going to be a long 8 weeks. ~ 1:30 PM and I am a mess. Angel called me from the shuttle, letting me know he was on his w...

I have this horrible way of looking at things people do. I really, really do. Like yesterday. When Brittany text me saying she was in town and said she'd come visit me...I actually believed her. I saw that as a friend reaching out to me. All I wanted was a hug. That's it. One person to actually hug me. She said she'd come see me and I waited. She never showed. She stopped and seen Alisa, told Alisa she was headed to my house afterwards. No call. No text. No Brittany. So here I am, depressed as hell because my boyfriend is about to leave for bootcamp and what not and I won't be able to actually talk to him for 2 months, I'm depressed as hell, been crying all day, and my friend who said she'd come see can't even be bothered to show or even let me know she's not showing. Effectively making me feel like I'm not even worth a phone call, let alone a text or even a message on facebook. Glad to know I mean so much to some one. /sarcasm. Alisa and I are still...

Well, today's the day. He leaves this evening. MEPS tomorrow and then bootcamp the next day. I haven't slept in 23 hours, I've been crying off and on for 8. Gotta wake Angel up in an hour and a half. I'm also hiding online. I keep looking at facebook and chat and going offline when his mom signs on. She seems to think that the phrase "I'm trying not to think about it" means "keep pressing the subject". This, of course, made my cry. :/ It's going to be an emotional 2 months. I'm so depressed right now, my mother offered me a hug when she gets home. Text me and said she'd hug me. I can't even remember the last time I actually hugged her. Granted, that's mainly my fault. I'm not the most touchy person in the world. Never really have been. And, before you can make assumptions, I have never been physically abused in any manner, sexual or otherwise. I just don't like people being near me or touching me. Mom says I've alw...

Angel totally made my night. Originally, he wasn't going to take his phone to MEPS, but decided earlier that he was going to take it. Just so he'd be able to talk to me just that little bit more. Totally made me cry. I love him, so freaking much. It really means a lot to me that he decided to take his phone. He said he's just going to mail it to me so it's a shorter mail trip. He even sent me a little video of himself telling me how much he loves me. I am one hell of a lucky woman. ~Me

First off, Happy Father's Day to all the real dads out there. This means the men that stepped up to actually take care of and raise a child, even if it was not thiers. Second off, HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY BROTHER, DAVEY!!!!! I'm not okay today. Tomorrow is the last day I actually get to talk to Angel for two months. I can't believe how fast this got here. I am so...scared/upset/not okay. Alisa is taking me out Tuesday. We're taking the baby to the mall to have a girl day. Davey did alright last night. He finished 5th in his heat, made it to the A main and then the car lost power. But, he managed to pull it off to the side to avoid a collision. I called Angel a little bit ago and he was with his buddy Travis. As soon as Travis realized it was me Angel was talking to (took him like 10 seconds) he asked "When are y'all getting married?" I laughed and told Angel to tell him "When ever the fuck we feel like it! :p" to which Travis replied ...

Well, I'm currently between depressive states, trying to look on the bright side of things. I might be taking my sister's one cat from her mom's when I move. A beautiful, silver, long haired named Rori (AKA Rorzilla). I love her, she has the best fur. Long and fine so it's soft and doesn't matte. Angel's phone is still off. Which really sucks when he leaves in less than a week for bootcamp. All I want is to be able to hear his voice and actually talk to him. :/ My little brother turns 16 on Sunday. I really wish he was still like...5. I honestly do not like the person he is becoming. He acts like dad did a couple years ago. And, quite honestly, it worries me. My oldest niece turns 4 the day Angel leaves for bootcamp. My Boogaboo, Kady I've been almost in the mood to write again, poetry anyways. I'm probably going to be writing a lot over the next two months. Hopefully, something good will come out of it. If you would like, you can follow my writing and p...

I've been going through a lot of thinking. Angel's phone is off again and he leaves in a week. 1 week left to hear his voice and now, I don't even have that. I feel like I'm waxing depressed again. Friends, such as Alisa, say that they'll hang out with me, yet it never happens. I feel almost as if I've been forgotton by most of my friends. And, at a point where I really need them to lean on. I feel hopeless. I'm completely done with Angel's mom. I don't mind helping people until it starts to affect my own health. She had me so stressed I was having panic attacks again. That, to me, was all I needed to say enough. The sad thing is, I told her I was starting to have panic attacks from all the stress and it didn't stop her from pouring all of her drama out on me. I've got enough going on without dealing with her marriage troubles. {For those of you who don't know, the back story; She found out her hubby of 14 years had been having an affair,...